I'd like to apologise to all the passengers on the trains I work on. The reason your trains are so late is they keep forgetting to factor in the additional weight of my lardarse body, which slows down the trains. The trains cannot achieve top speed and it takes them far longer to pull out of stations.
The situation is made worse if I bring a couple of kids on board to "keep me company".
Help me, my minge has crusted over!!!